it's like.. a one year break from mid year exams didnt do me any good... i got all stressed up and nothing goes into my head and i still went ahead with my studying in the lib even after my mum's frequent protests that she finally stopped.

i won.

the feeling abt winning ur mother aint great you know. the fact is tht she doesnt trust me to study elsewhere with my friends. she doesnt trust me with anything. and yet i have to listen to her and trust her that everything she said was good, was right. tht's the thing. parents think that they are always right. parents always think their kids are lying to them.

i lied to my mum when i was like 10 years old. when i skipped my recesses in school and not gonna eat. i lied to my mum when i was 11 years old when i scored like a 53 for my mathematics and refused to tell my teacher why i failed to let my mother sign the freaking paper. i lied to my mother when i was 12 years old when i did not finish the chinese assesments she made me do and the science notes she made me handwrite out from the CASCO guide book. i was found out on all occasions, and since the first lie, she never trusted me with anything. i had to let her check my work everyday, i had to report to her where i went from school everyday. i was still caned when i was 13 years old. so much so that i refused to flinch when i was hit, leaving a long red mark on my skin that sometimes bled. i knew that she did it for my own good. and then i was tired of it. so tired that i hardly felt anything when the cane touches my skin with the whip through the wind and the slight crack. the more she hit me, the more i did what i was told not to do. rebellious. that was what i am. she refused to let me go to softball trainings. i went ahead without even asking her and dreaded to go home after training. she didnt like tht at all but who cares. tht was in sec 1. she wasnt impressed with all my softball medals and was even happier at the news that we did not manage to get into the 2nd round of the nationals and rubbed salt onto my wound by saying "u noe u are not good enough to get in so why cry over it." when i sat there as silent tears fell into my dinner. she never sympathises. i hated tht point abt her. i wondered whether she even had passion for anything she did when she was young. maybe she was jsut a block of wood with no deep feelings for anything she did at all.

and then i grew out of it. well. mostly. and i was studying like mad in sec 3 'cos my studies are like hell. and i made a point to aim for RJC. i started studying like mad and tht was when my mum got closer to me than before. i was starting to think whether she only love her daughters when they started studying like mad. she seemed to think that her daughters required several qualities to be loved. wit and hardworking was one. and she has no eyes for passion either.

now i saw the tiredness in her eyes. all because of the worry for my sister. who is currently failing most subjects and not willing to study and mapling everyday. still, she let her do what she wants. my mum loved her more than me. i always knew that and i never bothered. because my sis is closer to my mum. she will tell her all the problems she have in school but i cant be happier with her leaving me alone. my sis will tell my mum she has confidence in her studies and my mum agrees. because in truth, my sis is smarter than me.

my dad once said that i am rather different from my sister. i have the determination and deep passion for things that i love. i heard that from some friends of mine too. i never give up what i like. i wondered whether that is true. i am not as smart as my sister but i am one who will work hard all the way when the time comes and it has arrived now. i am studying for myself, not for anyone in my life. if i want to do well in my o levels and a levels, this is where i start. i am going to go to university, study psychology like i have always wanted from young, write as many stories as i want to, not only the fan-fictions that i wrote. but the only thing i am gonna do after my o levels is to complete my 32 chapters of fan fictions that is hardly a quarter done. and i want to write it in a relaxed and happy mood, cos i know i have done well in my o levels.

my mother has always been my source of motivation, and it's late that i never realised it earlier. i have seen her cry a fair few times because of my sister who never listens. i tried helping to get my sis to listen to her and get snapped back at times. but tht's my family. i am glad my dad always tell me those inspirational stuffs and motivate me directly when i am down. i am glad that he is always there when my mum is clearly showing signs of biasness towards my sis. i love my parents both no matter what i always said. but there's tht problem with parents, no matter how much they love them.

they dont trust kids.