seriously.. shld i?
so much for being the best player last year twice.. next year i am gng to get benched.

my fielding sucks.
my batting sucks.
my pitching sucks.

i cant believe it. time flies. too fast for me to catch up.. for once.. i really realised wht does it mean by the term time flies. i do PT everyday.. go through my pitching motion everyday.. trying to improve my strength everyday.. this is wht i get.. slow strikes down the center. i am really tired.. i am really sick and tired. pitching is not fun anymore.

i am tired of dng PT everyday and not making any visible improvement.
i am tired of being compared to others, esp to xueying.
i am sick and tired of being the one who needs all the encouragement to help me cos i am emotionally weak, i think.
i am sick and tired of being neglected by the sec 3 softballers all the time tht i totally detached myself away from them.
i am better off dead.

i cant believe i cried over pitching for a short 5 mins, trying to hold back my tears when i am alone outside the PE store. i nv did cry over pitching.. wht's wrong with me? wht's the damn prob with me? am i just useless? I ACTUALLY CRIED!! CRIED OVER PITCHING!! something which held my softball world tgt other than the long lost sec 3 team spirit. i am actualli crying over it cos i was so miserable and stressed up over something i used to love so much, over something i used to hold a burning passion for it tht i train everyday. i am useless..

40push-ups, 3 sets, everyday.. nothing happens. 30 step ups 6 sets everyday.. something happened.. my kneecap hurts. skipping everyday.. nothing happens.. i didnt even grow taller. 50 situps 6 sets everyday.. nothing happens. doing the pitching motion everyday, nothing good happens.

this whole year. i have been trying to improve my pitching. i have been working hard on my physical training. yeah.. xueying is better than me.. her ball is faster.. her ball is now accurate. i am really collapsing. really.. i spent almost 2.5 hours everyday dng my PT and this is wht i get. xueying is natural. yeah.. so dont compare her with me. please. i am begging u.. i am really dying under the stress.. i even did PT during exam times and not onli i didnt improve i did badly for my EOYs too.. i am drained out of energy.. psychologically drained of energy. i cant hold on anymore guys.

here i am, crying as i type this entry.. relieving the times when i won the best player cos of my pitching. now i am the lousiest pitcher on the team.. please.. someone release me from this prison.. i wanna escape. i wanna break out.. i dont wanna continue this struggle anymore... i am tired.. really tired..