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16 November 2005
reality hurts
yea.. changed to this blogskin cos i thinkk it's nice.. and second.. cos i thinkk the title: reality hurts is really meaningful..

i am sorry i was so sad the past few days.. especially over pitching.. i would like to thank ppl for tagging my board with such words of encouragement.. esp daddy and eveyy.. peihua too.. and the rest like melinda and chun ling.. thanks daddy and evey for those advices.. and yeah.. eveyy.. know u will always be there for me.. but u cant be there for me forever yeah?

been training hard these few days.. 3 days consecutive trainings.. tml comes one more.. and another on friday.. i shant go for the saturday one cos my arms will break if i do go.. i go trainings at src mainly because i want to build up my strength. i know there is still time for me to make necessary improvements, especially in my pitching. but like i said before.. pitching is no longer as fun as in the past to me anymore. it's more like a competition and challenge to me ever since starting of the year. challenge to myself, challenge to others. it's not like last year when i can pitch everyday, recess and lunch and even after school.. one reason is because i have no catcher. another reason is because, sorry to sae.. i feel neglected among the sec 3s.. perhaps i am to blame.. maybe for not joining in your conversations etc.. but i do feel tht i no longer feel the same anymore.. abt myself.. abt softball.. i still love the sigui family.. i still love daddy and my sigui cecilia and sigui eveline and everyone else. but the special feeling i once had was no longer there. i dont know how to explain it.. but i am sure that i am not the only one who feels tht.. and perhaps because of the loss of tht particular feeling tht i lost my sense of belonging and starting to think even pitching is a task set for me.. no longer my hobby.. no longer wht i like.. i hate myself for crying over pitching.. i am such a wimp.. =(

i promise i will try to pull myself tgt, daddy. i wont disappoint u anymore. i promise i will try to mix in more, eveyy.. cos i do recognise your efforts trying to hold the team together. i promise i will do my best for the team.. and if so.. try not to get benched next year. **though i am still sure i will** i will fight for my position once more.. and most importantly, i will try to find the feeling tht i once had.. tht's now lost.. for i know the feeling is somewhere out there, waiting for me to discover it once more. i know tht hurricanes and sigui family will always be there for me. i know tht coach will always be there for me.. i know tht my friends will be supporting me in whatever i do.. i have to pull myself tgt.. from now on i shall tell myself tht i can do it.. the position for pitcher next year will be mine. i will never cry over pitching anymore.. not of happiness and never of disappointment, sadness or anger. if i ever do, hurricanes, wake me up, will you? i know i cant afford to fall again.. i have to tell myself not to.. u are all i have in softball.. tht's everything to me in the world.. tht's how much u guys are worth, truely and deeply in my heart.

**i love hurricanes**

~ { 10:01 PM }
Leaving the CITY;