is pitching mu burden?
life hasnt been improving. nope.. it hasnt. neither are my studies nor pitching are improving. life still sucks but it still has to go on. that is such an irony, isnt it? i study for myself, but if i have to push myself to score in all subjects but lose interest in it, i might as well not study. if it's tht case, i am studying for my parents, teachers and for my pride. not tht i have any pride left in my studies. neither is there any left for my pitching.

pitching hasnt even improved for me, no matter how hard i push myself, how much physical i do. i used to like pitching. a lot.. literally. i pitch everyday, learn different styles, look at how others pitch and try to learn from them... i even have my own idols. but now... i am starting to lose my interest in it. not just pitching... i am sick and tired of the team.. i used to pitch cos i love it.. now it seemes that i pitch is for coach [both coaches]..pitching seems like a burden added to my already poor studies.. training for it everyday seems like revising for a difficult a math test.. pitching in competitions seems like sitting for a tough exam.. only in this exam, it tests my stamina, accuracy, tolerance and how i handle my stress level. but it's not like tht in the past. i trained for leisure, to help me relax. not to add stress to myself. every competition, i step into the pitcher's circle, confident, enthusiastic, but a little nervous. every strike i put in was my pride. but now.. every strike i put in isnt my pride. it's my relief. yes.. relief. i dont feel proud of it anymore. every ounce of confidence has evaporated, every thread of enthusiasm has trickled away like running water. nope, hurricanes.. i am no longer the pitcher of the team. i no longer crave to be there, to drive my confidence into my team mates during a stressful game or to be part of the game or victory.

i'm not sure wht made me feel like this. either is the new 5 day week system is driving me crazy or pitching has really taken away the fun part of my life. i didnt use to think being a pitcher is stressful, bearing the weight of the team on ur shoulders. now i think pitching is a burden. i am not sure whether i can find back my love for pitching before the zone and src matches or during the matches i get to play. for once, i feel like giving up pitching. but i cant. i have to continue as the whole team has pinned their hopes on me.. no.. not has.. shld be had.. past tense. and perhaps, it will never switch to present tense again. 'cos now they have pinned their hopes on xueying. i nv thought i wld see her as a threat. i always see her as my friend, my team mate, playing the same position as i am and someone whom i can train together and learn from. someone whom i can go through the tough training of a pitcher with. of cos.. i still do see her as this.. but somehow... i am starting to see her as a threat to the onli position i can play due to my tennis elbow injury.

i am sick of the internal competitions among the team mates.. sick and tired of everything. though the competitions can make us train harder and improve our skills, which are important in games and everything.. but i think, seriously, tht these competitions are breaking us apart. i no longer feel the team spirit and enthusiasm present among us, especially from team mates of my level. we didnt use to break up into cliques. we used to sit around, talking and laughing together. now.. sx,xy,yx,kass belongs to one clique, cec mixes around with everyone [which i think shld be the right attitude], evey mixes around too but is closer with sx deyy all, and angela goes with elaine or jolin.. i sometimes go with cec, angela or the sec 2s. i wld go with sijin if she is present at the trainings... but i thought we used to sit in a circle and joke around? i thought there used to be no personal secrets shared during our little gatherings or breaks or during trainings?we used to share almost everything we shld as a team. we used to leave personal secrets out of our common conversations and gatherings until we meet one of two of the team mates whom we are closer to. the period is long gone.

now i noe tht most of the team of sec 3s share their personal secrets everywhere they go, talking in whispers and a 'language' no one can understand other than yourselves. and i am being left out of everything. i tried to mix in, but i cant.. i cant fit into the team anymore. i dont noe whether u all dont trust me or hate me or wht. u guys dont tell me anything anymore. i wld rather u tell me why u hate me than to just.. leave me alone like tht. or issit just my illusion? the team now has left me with an uncertainty in my mind. i feel distant from u ppl. i feel like a complete stranger around. and it's one of the reasons, i feel, tht i lost my love for pitching. because i have lost my team.. or maybe.. it's just cos i am a loser.