bleh
i'm not sure what to use as a title.. right now.. i just feel like dropping into a deep sleep and not waking up ever again. seriously.. i have never been so tired. nv been so stressed.. never been so sad.. never felt like giving up this much before.. never had a worse CNY before. True. i had fun during CNY.. gambled.. played basketball.. family gathering.. made a few friends... got to noe my cousins better.. get to wear my dear new clothes..
but so what? that doesnt make any differences to the life i have in nan hua.. the life i am encountering now.. a narrow pass in history isnt what i used to have. i used to have at least an A.. what is happening to me? a B4 in e maths isnt what i used to have. i used to have an A1.. what is happening to me? damn it. i am just failing my studies. failing everything.. even pitching and another p.. tht is popularity. i think my frens all hate me lo. and i think i suck as a friend. i really think so lo. dunno what make me think so. and pitching.. it's hell man.. i didnt use to pitch tht badly did i? seriously.. i dont noe. i dont noe anything nowadays.. i am way too tired. i didnt use to be tht relieved when friday came. i was excited.. looking forward to sb training on sat morning. now.. i am relieved. damn relieved.. no sb on sat.. no pitching.. nothing.. not tht i am ready to sink into the sofa.. have a warm cup of tea.. read my beloved harry potter and finally brush my teeth and go to bed. but that isnt the case. i was relieved cos no more sb.. i am relieved cos i can have a good night's sleep.. noeing tht i dont have to go to school tml to study.. to pia hmk.. study to get my facts right.. struggling half the time cos i couldnt catch up. i am relieved cos i can finally get a good night's sleep... and to my good frens.. ppl like cec... she will noe i seldom sleep in on sundays. i wake up at 7.30am... eat and get everything ready to do my hmk.. den use comp.. den slack before i start my revision.. i dont turn in early at night. i sleep as late as 1am on saturdays... still being able to wake up at 7.30am the next day.. for saturday.. when i have trainings.. i used to look forward to it.. bouncing off my bed 6am in the morning.. annoying my sis cos of my over enthusiasm. now i dont annoy her anymore. i sleep in late.. very late.. and is still tired.. as if my health is failing me.. i nv had dreamless sleeps as i used to. i keep dreaming i get retained in sec 3 or something like tht.. [thank god i didnt dream of prawns or maybe u wont evem see me the next day or in the future.]
i used to love school a lot. i prefer to talk to those who sat around me in 2o4. sijin, cecilia, jialian, vanessa.. sometimes i can shout across to xinyi, yangping, boyi, royston... and these ppl made me feel at home.. mroe comfortable to be with.. they help me clear my troubles just by joking and laughing with them.. but 3o8 isnt tht kind.. 3o8 is just.. dead? or maybe onli 2 rows are alive while the other isnt. there is no cec or boyi or sijin i can shout across to.. there is onli jiayi whom i can share my troubles with.. thanks lots pal.. u rockk. there is onli kathy and peihua at the back whom i can laugh with.. but nothing ever cleared my probs these days.. for these 2 months since school started.. i nv had proper sleep.. proper meals.. okies.. maybe meals doesnt count. i'm on a diet.. i nv had a good laugh to clear my mind off things.. the onli happy moments i had was with careforce.. zu hui.. ziyi.. spencer.. dantong.. xiaowei.. weijie.. they are the ones who can really make me laugh and clear my mind.. but just for the dae.. there are more pressing problems in my mind the next day and it is accumulating day by day.. my family's financial problem is just turning better and better day by day.. but my studies are just turning worse and worse day by day.. so is my pitching..
i nv went to school not feeling as if i want to go home and sleep now.. i nv went to school feeling tht isolating myself from the rest is the best solution.. i nv went to school hoping tht no one would come and talk to me.. i nv went to school just to think tht let me rot in my seat and dont care abt me. i nv went to school thinking tht there will be no one who will care abt me.. cos there is always 2o4 2oo4.. but things are different.. i wish everyday onli jiayi will be by my side.. wishing tht everyone else who just disappear.. i wish tht school would end soon so tht i can rush home.. the onli place where i can find comfort. i wish tht there would be no training tht day so tht i can rush home to my bed.. lie down and have a good sleep.. i wish tht i wont have to take tests or think abt the upcoming common test.. think abt it.. my life these 2 months are just hell.. i caught a severe cold cos of lack of sleep the 2nd week. i onli slept 16hours for 5 days. and i doubt i had the energy to continue the next day in school whenever i climbled into my bed.. looking at the clock which saes 2 in the morning and i havent even completed 3/4 of my hmk. now i cant be bothered.. let me be punished. i dont care.. if i struggle everyday, i am gonna collapse.. i nv went down to recess hungry and sleepy before. i dont noe wht the hell is happening to me.. i nv once feel like isolating from anyone else wld be a good idea.. the best idea in the world..
maybe i am just a lowly coward trying to shunt myself away from stress.. i am just a wimp who broke down on my way home today after sb gng to a family gathering.. i am just a dishonest person who smiled and answered everything's fine in school and i love my school when my uncle asked how's my life gng on? i shld've answered a total wreck and i am just a failure in everything.. i shld've said life in nan hua sucks and it's wearing me down. my laughter has ceased.. even my dad can tell something is wrong abt me and yet i can still sae nope.. everything's gng on very well.. i got an A for my chem test.. and he is ever so proud of me which made me feel damn guilty. my relatives saw me play bball, badminton and netball and they said i am too hyper a person to study much and can be happier in sports.. in fact.. i suck in sports.. i totally suck in it..
i took 1.5hour to write this. i can understand if u had just scrolled down to the bottom and read this line.. cos no one wld want to hear a wimp and failure complaining abt her own life.. a total failure.. i am just a useless person.
**postscript**
-thanks jiayi for listening to my probs and consoling me
-thanks cec for listening to my probs and encouraging me
-thanks those who read the whole entry
-thanks to annabel who is willing to pitch with me.. it's onli u who made me carry on pitching.
-thanks to those who tag..
